Je'ka

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Je'ka last won the day on February 24

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About Je'ka

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  1. I think I'm back
  2. Leaving until I feel somewhat stable. Don't know how long. Maybe a couple days, maybe a couple weeks.
  3. I have no prospects in life and that is my own doing. Every day the chances of actually being a functioning human being in the future go down, and it's entirely my fault. Right now I should be working. I have a paper due soon, I've got an oral exam too, I've neither begun the paper or studied for the exam at all. I've been asked to locate a book for work, and try to find photographs for a biography, and I've done nothing. I've got assignments that were due two weeks ago that the professor will still take for full credit that are actually practically done, and I have not turned them in. I don't know why I do this. All of these things are within my power to remedy. I'm just a lazy piece of shit, I've concluded. But it's not that I just don't bother, it feels like I'm wilfully not doing things that I am aware I should do, except I'm not, I want to do them, I want to be successful, I like to be successful, but I'm not doing it. I don't feel in control. I think I've said that before, but I don't feel like I'm in control of myself. There's a different person doing it but that person is also me. I should talk to a psychologist or a psychiatrist- I can never remember the difference or which one I need. I think one can prescribe medicine and the other can't, but I might be wrong. Anyway, I should talk to one. I do not. I don't know why- it's not like I'll have to really pay for it. Insurance will cover it. Medication might give me some semblance of sanity but I don't do it. I don't remember most of my time when I was actually taking medication. I think I was on here a lot, but I'm a little fuzzy on dates, and I can't remember a damn thing. All I do remember is that I felt "flat", like there was no depth to my thought. I could still feel all the shit that bugs me down but I couldn't delve into it, I never felt better, I never felt worse... Just evenly terrible. Always bad, no ups or downs. But there's more types of medication and if I actually told a medical professional what actually goes on in my head instead of not talking about it to them, they could help, probably. But I just have to act. I have to find someone, make an appointment, and go. And I do not do this. Why? I could. I feel like I could. But I don't. I no longer respond rationally to things, either. Today one of my roommates stole twenty dollars I'd left on a table and attempted to deny it despite very clear evidence to the contrary. I spent a very long time thinking about garroting him with a guitar string. When he maintained his innocence I almost stabbed him in the throat with a pencil. I can't tell if I'm getting worse or just can't remember what I was like before.
  4. It is 2:09 in the morning and I want to do something destructive. Burn something, smash something, hurt someone. I want to get into a fight. I woke up at a normal person time today. I did normal person things. It does not help. Nothing changes. I want to cause someone pain. I want to cause myself pain. I cut myself a bit, I burnt myself a bit, it didn't help. It just makes me want more- not cutting or burning, but just... Destructive activity. I want to feel something break in my hand. I want to feel something crushed under my foot. I don't know why. I suppose it's just some sort of lust for sensation, for something to break up the monotony. I do nothing anymore. I am not a functional human being. I am scared to attempt to become a functional human being. Even being nonfunctional and doing nothing is too much stress. I want to scream until my throat hurts and I want to hurt something. One of my friends told me to write songs. I wrote songs. I read them tonight. They're not very uplifting. It's snowing. Addition to Entry the Second, as it's still the same night. Don't why it matters, but I guess that's how I'm doing things. I'm stopping my Mandalorians, I think. I used to think that I knew them, and I don't. I'm just making a mockery out of what could have been good characters. I can't decide whether to just kill them or let them drift off slowly into oblivion. I used to think I could write Mandalorians. The more I look at it the more I realize that I never could. I've been lying to myself for years. So I'm done. I'll let them go instead of torturing them further.
  5. Thanks, you guys. I don't actually think you're annoyed at me- I'm thoroughly convinced that you are, despite knowing that you're not. I can't trust my own perception at the best of times, and even though I know what's going on I can't help thinking that there's something behind it and it'll all fall like a house of cards. Kind of hard to explain, but I'm entirely aware that what I think is going on is not what is going on, and that makes things worse, somehow, instead of better. Could just be happily unaware of the dissonance between perception and reality, but I'm not. I really appreciate your reassurances. I really do. Thank you.
  6. Either I'm going to post a lot or not at all in the next few days. It remains to be seen. Do I owe anyone anything?

    1. Alex Murphy

      Alex Murphy

      *raises hand*

    2. Darthmama

      Darthmama

      Darth's I think you logically go next. :)

  7. I can't write anymore. It feels like it, at least. I know intellectually that I can write, that while I'm bad I'm not THAT bad, that I probably should write because it keeps my mind going, but whenever I start to those something it just looks like a pile of shit to me, and I can't figure out a way to make it feel less so. I have so much stuff I want to do with my characters on this site. I've got arcs already planned out. I've got specific threads playing out like film in my mind. Yet when I try to write it, it ends up shit. The wonderful things I've got going on in my mind turn to ash, and blow away in the wind. Sometimes I'll start well and then I find myself losing it, like I'm in deep water and I can't swim, flailing about and only managing to make it worse. I'll go halfway through a thread and my posts turn into trainwrecks. Description barely comprehensible, dialogue odd and stilted. I lose touch with how people work. Now, I've never fully understood how people work, but I can generally keep things going with characters whose minds aren't exactly the most normal things out there. But lately I've just been losing touch with myself, kind of just watching myself from behind a glass barrier. Most of the time I don't actually feel in control of my own actions, although I am- it's like I'm on autopilot, just doing whatever I need to to keep course. People know. The only human interactions I have are with my roommates and with my friends with benefits (can't find a good way to say it, they're people I fuck that are also friends, some better than others, because I have no impulse control and may or may not be addicted to sex), and then one of my professors. And they know. My roommates don't ask questions but they know there's something wrong with me. I see the way they look at me. I can tell they're just waiting for the day I do something stupid on a whim. My friends with benefits, two of whom I have just realized are almost my best friends, they're aware, one of them goes through the same sort of thing, and I can't stand the pity. It makes me want to beat my skull on the wall until I can't anymore. And my professor.... She knows something's up. She's my employer, only out of pity, really- I mentioned to a classmate that, being jobless and an idiot, I only had ramen noodles available to eat, and she heard that, and later that day offered me a position revising her works and sifting through piles of sources- and I have to meet with her every Monday, as she is also my academic advisor and I'm not very good at school. She always asks me if everything's okay, and there's always genuine concern on her face, and I lie to her. I look into her eyes, see that she actually cares whether I live or die, and I tell her everything's fine, and then throw some tidbit from the letters she's had me reading at her, distract her, spark a conversation about where this particular biography's subject lived in California and whether they'd built a house or purchased one that had already been built. The point is that I have many opportunities to speak to people about my issues, find help in some way, perhaps actually become some semblance of a functional human being instead of sleeping all day until six o'clock and then staring at a TV screen for lack of anything else to do- and I don't. And it's a choice that I've made, but it's not a conscious one, as in consciously done by me. It's like an autopilot decision, pretty much just trying to keep going as is because I can't actually make myself do much aside from talk and type. And the worst thing that comes from allllllll this shit that crowds my brain is that I can't write anymore. There's three things I want to do. Two ongoing, one just... My goal. My goal is to own a C3 Corvette- from before 1978, because I don't like the bubble rear window- and gasoline to run it, as well as music to play in it. The two things I want to do are write, because I love it, despite my lack of talent, and I'm capable of doing it, unlike most other things, and then make music. I have no talent at music. None. Zero. Other synonyms for none. But when I listen to the Greg Kihn Band playing the Breakup Song, or Joan Jett singing Crimson and Clover, or any one of a million songs I love, there's this aching pain in my chest and tears in my eyes and a horrible rending feeling in my skull that tells me I need to do that because just listening isn't enough. I got a guitar, I took lessons, I can't play, I can't do any of that, and so that's all just pain. So writing's the only thing I've got, because it's pretty damn obvious I've not got fifteen thousand dollars to spend on a classic Corvette, and even if I did I've not got a place for it to stay. Writing's been what I've been surviving on, and now I can't do it. I stare at empty text boxes, trying to make the images in my head manifest as words, and they don't do it anymore. To be honest that's not worked as well as it used to for a while now- I can't think of a post that I'm actually satisfied with since a few years ago. Don't remember how long ago, but I do remember what it was, and it was the absolute best thing I've ever written, in my opinion: in the thread Swan Song, where Verrin had the Kaggath-thing with Darth Parasis, I wrote a post with Achilles Thak, one of my alts from the time who had a lot of potential that I squandered, fighting one of Parasis' disciples. I'm shit at writing lightsaber combat. I don't know who, if anyone, will read this, but if it's an admin, you'll know. If it's anyone else, I sincerely hope you've never read me trying to write lightsaber combat, because it's a continual source of shame for me. But that single post, that single point of light, that's lightsaber combat and it's my favorite I've ever written. I'll never surpass this. I'll never again write better than even Je'ka on the bridge killing Darth Wrayd, and that was shit itself. I'm on the downswing, and it will only get worse from here. I keep contemplating quitting the site. I've got this notion in my head that all of you don't like me, that some of you even hate me. I feel like I annoy you all, that my simple existence is enough to darken your days, and I really don't like that. I actually quite like almost all of you. You're the only community that I've ever really been a part of, even if I'm just that idiot kid who thinks he can write Mandalorians sometimes. That's enough for me. I do sincerely love you guys, because you've meant a lot to me for several years now. I don't like feeling like I piss you off, whether it's true or not, and with my writing ability dying, I do keep thinking that I ought to just kill the tabs on devices that always have this site open, and then never ever open them again. This site does stress me out a lot. When I have to reply to someone and words aren't coming together, the first thought into my mind is that I really ought to just shoot myself and rid the world of another parasite. But when I do post, even though the posts are shit, I feel good. I feel like somehow I've validated my existence for a little bit more. And when I'm in bed at night staring at the ceiling and wondering during which song and when exactly I ought to pull the trigger when I finally do kill myself, I think about what I'd miss. This site's on that list. I'd miss my characters. I'd miss the threads with other people. I'd miss trying to make conversation with Kure and nobody else in chat, saying the same thing every time and being sure I'm annoying him even more than I already do. I'd miss reading the good threads, taking part in the fun ones, laughing at the stupid shit my characters do. I'd miss all of it and that's one of the big reasons why I haven't yet settled on emptying my own skull. That, and good burritos. If you're ever in Southern California, go to Tacos San Pedro on Carson in Hawaiian Gardens, just off the exit from the 605. It's horribly run of the mill, but those carne asada burritos are beautiful, at least to me. To most others, they're just okay. Maybe I'll be able to write again sometime.
  8. I hope you guys all know I love you all. Even if I'm an asshoke to you, I just don't know how to act with real people so I shoulr just tell you I love you all

    1. Darthmama

      Darthmama

      We love you too Je'ka!  Real people are scary. 

    2. Kure

      Kure

      Drunk Je is emotional Je.

  9. I have returned, not-dead, and there were a total of zero plane crashes, so I might be somewhat reliable for replies- back to normal.
  10. I have now kissed the Blarney Stone. Prepare for the increase in eloquence in my posts!

     

    Also, in news unrelated to my kissing a stone that thousands upon thousands have missed before, I may or may not now have herpes...

    1. Corey

      Corey

      I am so glad you added the second part of that :P Saved me a job

  11. I shall be in Ireland, or on the way there, or back, from tonight until the 9th, unless I die horribly in a plane crash. I will likely still be hanging around, maybe or maybe not, depending on state of internets, and I may even get a post out at some point, should I somehow wind up with the free time and internets to do so at the same time. So, in summation- don't count on me for posts or anything. Because I will be even more unreliable than normal. For the next week and a bit.
  12. Okay, in order of posting: Yeah, I suppose it doesn't have to be a Sith. Could just have an Imperial officer, or even have the system rebel by itself, although I think the idea of a relatively high ranking Imperial renegade sparking things is best. And an independent system seems like it would work less well, simply for the fact that it sounds more fun to crush a rebellion than to just go after resources.